note to self

I want to always remember my life right now. The powerful, unwavering love I have for my husband. The feelings of strength, not of my own. The testimony I've gained. The lessons I'm learning. The little ones who love me more than I can handle sometimes. The experiences. The support of a wonderful family. The joy. The giggles. The poop everywhere in my life (literally; kids, diapers, dog, neighbors cat...). I want to seal it in a bottle.

I've kept a journal since I was old enough to write. It is my treasure. I remember writing about what my life would be like when I "grew up." I imagined graduating from college. Being a wife and a mother. I anticipated it would be good. I would be happy. I had no idea it would be wonderful. That I would be bursting with joy. I didn't even really think about it being hard. Hey, is being hard part of what makes it wonderful??? I think I am onto something here.

Life is so stinkin' hard! Just when I think I've learned the lesson of a life time three more are thrown into my face without warning. But it's all so glorious. It's all so perfectly planned by a loving Father who knows us so well and who prepares us for the trials we will face before we even know we will face them. Wow.

I am one busy mom. I wouldn't want to be anything else in the whole world. I love my life. I love waking up early in the morning and kissing my husband and praying for help and strength to get through the day. I love getting up and putting on my slippers and making my morning brew to warm my innards and get me going. I love reading my scriptures and making my husband and kids' lunches and concocting something fun/healthy/fast/tasty for breakfast.

I love it when Emmett wakes up and we race in to get him before he wakes up the rest of the house. I love letting the dog in and having her jump up and give me kisses and the run laps around the kitchen where I am trying to get things done. I love it when I sit down at the computer and read an email from an old friend. I love it when another friend calls me because she lives to far to come over and we talk on the phone for an hour and don't even realize it because we could talk for 4 more hours and still have more to talk about. I love it when the little ones come out all sleepy eyed and plop down on the couch and ask to watch a movie while they finish waking up.

I love getting everyone ready and putting Adelle and Emmett into the stroller to walk Braxton to school. I love the neighborhood friends we meet up with and the friendly old lady who sits in her car and watches and smiles at me everyday when I walk to the school with my posse. I love Braxton's teacher and the fact that she is getting to really know him and appreciate him for the good boy that he is. I love Heidi, the volunteer in Braxton's class who is not a parent. Not a teacher. Not being paid. She just loves kids and she doesn't have her own so she volunteers her time in my child's classroom 20 hours a week. I love people like that who teach me to be a better person. I love the Principal at Braxton's school. She is a firecracker and I love that she knows my name and the names of my young ones because she recognizes us there. I love the diversity. I love saying "good morning" to everyone I see. I feel at home there. Like I am part of one big happy family.

I love my home. I love that today I had two crock-pots on and filled with food at the same time. One was reheating my chili from last night for lunch today and one was cooking pork roasts to make pulled pork sandwiches for dinner. I am blessed and thankful for friends who are kind and charitable and who cleaned out their freezers before they moved and gave me the remains. I love my home. I love the patio in the back that is covered where my kids can still play outside without getting wet in the rain.

I love my mantle. I love that all three of my children have at one time or another worn the same cow costume for Halloween. I love that! I love how I framed each of them in their little cow costume and adorned my mantle with the pictures for the season. I am o.k that I don't have a little cow this year. One day there will be more little cows but not as of now. I love the squash that Emmett wants to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and that Adelle says she doesn't like but continues to gobble up the pancakes that I hide it in.

I love that I am surrounded by family who loves me and thinks about me and my family and serves us willingly. They support my husband and have helped him get business up and running. I have babysitters pounding on my door insisting that Jeff and I go out and it's a blessing because I know that they love my kids and love being with them. I love going to my parent's on Sunday for dinner and no matter what it is it tastes like home and there is a ton and everyone is comfortable and happy and content just being together.

I love the budget we are currently on. It is plenty tight but it encourages me to be creative and to think ahead and plan and make time for little things like birthday presents that I would otherwise just go to the store and thoughtlessly buy. I love that. I love that last night I thought about a project, started the project, and finished the project all while talking business with my husband. Now I am ready for my niece's birthday coming up this weekend.

I love that I have friends and a sister who are moms and who are in the same season that I am in. We get each other. We share kids and recipes and books and talents and cars and tips and stop by each others houses' without being invited and use each others toilets even if they aren't clean. I love that. We get each other.

I love coming home from a busy morning with my little ones either from story time at the library or preschool or the park and eating lunch with them. I love that they love their fish oil and they seriously think it is dessert. I love that Emmett still nurses, just because he wants to and I'm o.k with it because he is still my baby. I love that Adelle sleeps in my bed without the blanket, just the sheet. I love that I get a bit of time to myself to study, read, blog, clean, peel carrots, laundry, whatever. It's nice and I look forward to it. I also love the days when Emmett wakes up but is still tired and I get to rock him back to sleep or lay down with him. He likes our cheeks to be touching.

I love going to get Braxton at school and waiting for Fisher and Charly and Jayden so we can all walk home together. I love how Adelle thinks all the big boys are her friends too and how I can listen to Braxton interact with his friends. I love coming home and having him empty the contents of his backpack and tell me about what he worked on. I love how the kids play together for the next hour so that I can do dinner. Today it was play dough and cars/motorcycles. Braxton makes the little kids laugh. They idolize him.

I love it when my husband comes home and he's tired and excited and has so much to tell me but he can't because everyone wants his attention, even the dog. I love that we eat dinner all together and Braxton and Adelle set the table and Emmett starts to eat if the prayer goes too long. I love that the dog lays under the table while we eat just to be a part of the family time. I love listening to my kids savor a soup I made up that is good for them and that they can't get enough of. I love that!!

I love putting Emmett to bed, like we do, as a whole family we go into his room and sing I am a Child of God together and we kneel and pray together and Emmett gets kisses from everyone and the only one he puckers up for is his dad. I hate/love that. :) I love that Braxton and Adelle get one on one time with a parent to read or be read to and then off to bed they go with us to read one verse from the Book of Mormon and recite their articles of faith. They love this. I love that. Then we tuck them in and they take their time to giggle or talk or drive each other crazy...

I love that Jeff is my best friend and I am his. We prioritize each other. We don't have a perfect marriage but we are really in love and tolerant of each others flaws. We love being together, even just in the same room doing different things. We never go to bed without the other, unless the other is out of town. I hope we can stick to this forever. I love it when the kids are in bed and we can unwind. Do projects, talk without being interrupted, set goals, make lists, read together, study, do dishes...whatever.

And then it starts again the next day. It's all really good. It's really busy. I used to think that life was busy with three little ones running around here wanting me to entertain them. That seems easier now. We have a schedule we have to stick too. I have to get dressed every day. Seriously! This is an adjustment. I am a mom of a school kid now. My child is out in the real world. This is all really new and interesting and scary and great.

On a scale of most hard to least hard this past year would be the most hard. No question. It's been a roller coaster for me and I've learned to be comfortable outside of my comfort zone. It's not easy but it's doable. I've never loved more or felt more love. Love from my Savior. He's always been there and always loved me but finally, I really recognize it now. I let it strengthen me and lighten my burdens. Love for others. I don't judge as easily. I don't make assumptions. I don't hold grudges. It doesn't matter. Love for my family. They are everything to me. Near and far I feel so united to all of them and never alone. Love for life. It's supposed to be hard, I guess, because that is what makes it good.