"He's got the whole world in His Hands"

My sweet girl and her new girl friends from Kindergarten at a birthday party last month. When did she grow up?

Monday was one of those days. The kind where you put your kids to nap only to come out and turn on your Pandora radio and listen to Pink as loud as it will go. That's what I did, at least. I turned up Pink (one of my guilty pleasures) and danced by myself in my kitchen. "Just give me a reason just a little...we're not broken..." It made me think of my sister at first and how she would be laughing at my uncoordinated self. Flailing myself around, and singing loud and then the tears, they came. Actually they invaded. It was as if my tears had been building up inside of me for months and months and all of a sudden moving my body to the music and letting go of all the limits allowed my tears to release. There was no stopping once they came and for good reason for the relief I felt after was lightening and freeing. 

There was no child to ask me what was the matter. No husband to look at me with that disapproving look and ask me if I was okay. (Crying freaks my husband out sometimes and he doesn't know what to do or how to act so I usually tell him I just need a little space so that I can cry and not feel like I am being judged). No limits. Just time for me. The time that I wonder where it all went sometimes and why I didn't better use it when I had it in more abundance.

My sister is having her baby boy in less than 2 weeks. It breaks my heart that I can't be there to help her with the transition. I want to nanny her big kids and make her family wonderful meals and stay up all night with her newborn so that she can sleep, because I know she's gonna need it. I want to help but she's 5 hours away and I feel helpless. My prayers go something like, "and please bless Lesha with a friend who will love her and help her and be there for her like a mom or a sister."

I met Jen at dance with Adelle about a month ago. We were both finagling our kids in the tiny little dance studio and I drew up a conversation about how old was her daughter and how tall I thought she was for her age. We continued talking the duration of the class and then I didn't see her for 2 weeks because they didn't make it to dance class. When I saw her again I was excited. She said that things had been rough that they had just moved here and her husbands job, the kids, winter colds, had just gotten them down. I told her that she was the answer to my earnest prayers. I told her about my sister moving and how desperately I had been praying that she would make good friends. That someone would reach out to her. Then I met her and something prompted me to talk to her. It was as if my loving Father in Heaven said to me, "okay, well,  if you are going to ask for this for your sister it's about time you looked outside yourself a bit and reached out to those around you." Then bam there was Jen and without even thinking about it I gave her my number and invited her to run in the upcoming 5k with me and invited her on a playdate.... "I will, I will, I will. I will be a good friend to those around me who may be in need." Aren't we all in need.

I feel like sometimes it's so easy to hide even in the broad daylight of a dance studio.  It's easy to meet moms and strike up conversations and then just assume that everyone is okay, has friends, is settled. We all go there with our little girls to dance and smile and chat about the good, safe things in our lives. Our kids (that's an easy one), our husbands, their jobs, our backyard chickens... talk that doesn't really go anywhere but just keeps us entertained until we leave and don't think about each other again until we are basically forced into the same small room to wait for our girls to get done dancing. But where does that really get us? 

Today I went to soccer with Emmett. It's Tuesday and that's what we do on Tuesday mornings. We go to soccer at the Sportsplex with our friends Sarah and Elliott and Charolette. But wait, Sarah wasn't there today because she was at home fighting cancer. Partially responsible for the well kept tears that freed themselves yesterday. My friend for forever, like really since 6th grade when we ate our sandwiches together at lunch, is at home undergoing Chemotherapy while her daughter is at school and her 4 year old plays on the floor in front of her. 

We moms sometimes clog the tear ducts I think. Like Sarah and Jama and Mindi and I. We smile and talk to our kids about what's going on and how it's going to be okay and then we all pack into the front of Mindi's car in my front yard to cry and let go. Release. We want to make sure that we don't worry our little ones with our feelings of emotions. 

Last night I held my 8 year old on my lap. The one of my four who I rarely hold now but who I know still holds the record for the most "being held" hours. He cried and I cried as we talked about a mistake that he had made and while I told him that it was okay and that life is going to be full of mistakes that make us feel sad.  I was glad that I was able to hold him. 

I transition now from Pink to a song I learned as a Kid. He's got the whole world in His hands. It's a Raffi song and it runs through my head:

He's got the momma's and the babies, in His hands.....

He's got the brothers and the sisters, in His hands......

I am glad that Sarah is home, back in town, so that we can all hold her and hug her and help her through this healing process. When I talk to Sarah though I feel like she is holding me. Super strong, faithful friend. I am glad I have Jen to hold now. I am glad that though her mom isn't here and her sister in laws are far, she has a number at least that she can call for a hand. I am thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who is prompting women around my sister to hold her and help her. We are His hands. I know that to be true. And as for that little girl pictured above. The one with the cute smile that pulls on my heart strings, I am thankful to know that though my hands are here on earth, raising her and loving her, His hands are ultimately the ones that will hold her and heal her and guide her back to Him.