"me and my perfect little body"

I've written this post in my head about 500 times, usually while I am in the shower. You see, the shower, and my husband, are the only ones who really understand and see the whole picture. They are my safety lately and also my threat. They know everything! Every time I write this in my head it is worded and titled a bit differently but the message is always the same. You really never know what someone else is going through.

Recently someone said to me, "you and your perfect little body," as if to tell me that I had no idea what it meant to struggle with weight. They were right, I guess, I've never struggled with weight. I wasn't offended, actually I was flattered and grateful for the nice words. They strengthened my spirits. However, it stopped me pretty still in my tracks and has led to much pondering. This person (love them by the way) obviously is not my shower, or my husband, otherwise they wouldn't have made such a strong statement.

My body is little, yes, but it's not perfect. It was created in God's image (as were all of our bodies), with His design, but there are still flaws. That is what being human means. Imperfection. If we were all perfect, we wouldn't need to be here. I know I need to be here and I know I've needed this little secret because it's refining me again and again.

Last Friday I wore a short sleeved shirt out of the house for the first time in two months. Good thing it's been a lousy spring! I don't have to wear a scarf anymore and I can pull my hair back in a ponytail again in public. I still wear long pants and not capri's or shorts and I have 2 skirts that are long enough that I can wear to church without exposing myself and my little secret. What would they say if they knew?

"My perfect little body" has been covered with an awful rash from head to toe, literally. As you can see from the picture, and any picture of me taken within the last 2 months, I am completely covered with clothes or accessories or long hair. So, to those of you who are wondering why I haven't been playing basketball, I guess the answer is because I'm too prideful to wear shorts!

My body did sort of a crash landing back in March. To sum it up it's been a stressful year and to top it off I got strep throat 3 times in 2 months and was on 3 different antibiotics (if you know me at all, you know I don't take antibiotics EVER, until this happened). It was all yucky and my body went crazy what started as a red patch on my stomach spread up to my neck and down to my feet. Leaving me feeling hopeless and discouraged, and self conscious of "my perfect little body."

Don't feel sorry for me and don't be worried because it's not contagious. These are the reasons I haven't told you yet anyway. In the beginning it caused more stress, which is probably why it spread so far so fast. I wanted it to stop and I wanted it to go away and I wanted to hide it from everyone, even myself and my shower. But that didn't work.

If you have seen me around and asked me how I am I have probably said, "great." And that is the truth. I am great. Things are great. Welcome to the internal battle. Do you know what I mean? "Great?" "How are you great?" "You can't even stomach the idea of wearing a swimsuit or shorts." "I'm great because I'm getting better." "I'm healing." "My husband loves me." "My kids are healthy." ..... and it goes on. The hardest part for me in all of this has been that no one knows that I am struggling. Except my shower and my husband and a few of you who I've randomly flashed to give you a clear idea of what's going on and why I'm maybe having a moment. So how does this work when we really struggle? If it's weight do you tell everyone you want to loose weight so they can support you? Or do you just diet on your own and deal with it secretly? I haven't known if I should tell, or if I shouldn't or what. But it's been hard to wear a scarf and act "normal" in April. Really, I have way better fashion sense than that!

I don't want to complain. I really have nothing to complain about. I don't want you to pity me. That is ridiculous and maddening. I don't want to come across as being incapable of dealing with "my Goliath" as I call it because, I know we've all got 'em in some way, shape or form. I can deal with it. I am dealing with it. It's going away!

So there you have it. The whole truth right there out on the table for you to know and do whatever you want with!

So please, if you'd like you can continue to think that I have a "perfect little body" that is fine by me. Maybe that is why I haven't exposed the imperfections. Maybe I like that gratifying title. But don't think that I don't have my own struggles. Don't for one minute think that my life, family, marriage, children...are perfect because that is not the truth. Things are great and I really focus on the great things in my life... But I do have "my Goliath's" and I am fighting everyday as are you.

So here's to the fight and here's to the person that Heavenly Father is preparing me to be. If I could just get there, already!